Satire

Some of the most fun writing I’ve ever done was satire for a Onion-like publication called Cohesion. Below are two of my favorites.

Tim Burton Set to Direct Remake of Casablanca

The eccentric Tim Burton (Nightmare Before Christmas, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) has just been announced to be the director of the up-coming remake of the 1943 classic, Casablanca. “Many consider it to be the best movie ever made, but I believe we can make it even better,” Burton stated at an exclusive interview last week. The director went on to say that he plans on breathing new life into the classic to make it more accessible to younger generations. When asked why he felt the need for a remake, he replied, “They (younger generations) are turned off by the forties’ style of filmmaking, and I believe that no one should be denied a good story because of an archaic movie genre.” As with all his remakes, Burton plans to put his signature twist on the old favorite. Early costume sketches show the actors dressed as marionettes, to emphasize how their actions are dictated by the circumstances of WWII. Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter are rumored to be cast in the roles of Rick Blaine and Ilsa Lund, and Danny Elfman is already hard at work on the score. Only time will tell if the remake can stand up to the Oscar winning original.

New Organism Discovered in Dorm Fridge

University of Michigan freshman Devon Derby is credited with finding a new bacterial organism growing on a piece of cheese in his roommate’s mini-fridge. “I first became interested in the cheese when it started turning purple” said Derby. The Premed student was so curious as to the nature of the bubbly purple mold that he took a sample of the cheese to his Biology lab. His professor Dr. Benjamin Bane encouraged him to observe it for several weeks. The observation got interesting when the sample started to grow. “I have never seen anything like this,” Dr. Bane stated in an interview last Friday. “The cheese actually started to… move.” The sample was submitted as proof and was approved by the International Institute for Species Exploration. “The entire biology department if very proud Devon,” boasted Dr. Bane. “Even though no one will come near the lab to view the sample due to the smell.” When asked what he plans on doing in the future, Derby replied, “I have decided to experiment with breeding the new organism, and seeing how it reacts to other foods. Right now I have big plans for a Twinkie.”